You know, right, that life is trying to help you out? It's trying really hard to help you find the things you're looking for. Sometimes, life even gives you beautiful messages, to open your eyes or your heart to a new realisation. However - you don't need to marry the messenger.
I mean, sure. If he or she comes in really pretty packaging or with a really big heart, you can take them home and have some fun with them. If they want to as well. Often, though, messengers are just that. There to bring you a message. They show you something. They make you feel a certain way. They help you realise a thing you really, really want but didn't know you wanted until they showed you.
Content: Reminder: Life's pretty awesome. Don't forget you came here to be happy.
It's really nice that life does this. It's easy to get side tracked. There is work and there is family and sometimes in that mix, you forget that there is you, too, and that you were actually aiming for happiness and a life that you like. So sometimes, you really need that little reminder that says "HEY. Remember what love felt like? Did you know it's actually amazing to connect to someone? Here's what it feels like when someone looks right at you and says something nice to you. This here? This is a good thing, you want this." These little reminders often take other people, who grab your attention and make you notice for a moment. They're life's messengers.
Trouble is, a lot of people seem to think: "Oh! I felt something amazing once! You brought me that! I now have to have you, and your babies, forever!"
Case(s) in point. Last week two young women called the phone line, both of them with a very similar story. There was a boy, and years ago, they shared something with that boy. It was good. For one, it was that they and some friends did drugs together, and in that altered state, she saw something in him that was very beautiful, very pure, bright, shining. She was impressed. That, right there, that was great. She wanted it. So a few years later, she's calling an advice phoneline, asking how he feels about her now (they haven't talked since that night, they're barely acquintances, he has a girl friend), if there is a chance for them at all. I explain to her about messengers, and how what she liked was what she sensed that night, the energy, the beauty. It's not the boy she wants, it's all that. And there are many, many places in her life where she can find all that, and be very happy with it. Especially now that she knows what to look for. But no, she wouldn't have it. She had to have this boy. She would have no other. She would consider no other. She could not see that this attitude not only prevented her from finding meaningful relationships with other people, it was also defeating the whole point of the encounter. Instead of remembering the beauty, she remembers the frustration at not having him for her very own.
The other one wasn't much better. When she was a late teen, she met someone on vacation once. They shared a few weeks, and it helped her heal from a difficult thing in her past. They had an amazing time. He was attentive, and she felt like she might actually mean something to someone. Two decades later, she's found out what hotel he now manages, and calls there once or twice a week to try and get a hold of him, and has been doing this for months even though no one passes her on to him and he seems to mysteriously never be at his work.
Wait wait wait. Back up. I have had many such beautiful messengers, all of which I am still grateful to today, and none of which I am still in contact with. I have been such a messenger for many people, sometimes because life put us in the same space for a while, sometimes very much on purpose, and I've seen the response these two girls had to their boys. This is not how it works. Life gives you a gift, an experience, an insight. Enjoy it, then you put it to use in your life. Don't go carrying it around everywhere and clinging to it so your hands are so full that you can't pick up anything else anymore. Don't obsess over it, or make it only about a sexual attraction when it was something so much more. Don't stalk. It was a gift, a reminder, an eye opener. I get that you want this thing in your life. So go find it. Go actively look for it in the people around you, create it in your life.
You don't have to marry the messenger.